Because I went to a Christian school, I had bible class 3 days a week and chapel 2 days a week. Although I had normal classes like math and science, my education was focused and driven by Christian curriculum and spiritual values. Growing up in this environment, I was taught a lot about God and Christianity, but never was I prepared for life after high-school.
After graduation, I moved out like most but quickly got involved with people I shouldn’t have, and ended up getting pregnant at 19. If I can be honest, that season alone is such a blur for me. One minute I’m graduating high-school and the next moment, I find myself in a reality I never anticipated being in.
Once the juicy news broke out, and people from my high-school and church became informed, my view on what it meant to be a Christian quickly became tarnished. Although I had done something that was not “biblically correct”, I couldn’t understand how I grew up in a church that preached forgiveness, but chose to condemn me. I didn’t understand how my entire life I was taught to show love and grace, yet when I needed it, I was shown neither. Looking back, some of the same teachers who taught “church is a place for the hurting” were the same teachers who turned me a way like I had a contagious disease.
If I can be honest, I wanted nothing to do with church during that season. I remember thinking to myself – “If this is what it means to be a Christian, I want absolutely nothing to do with it”. Here I was 19, already in an extremely vulnerable state, and instead of having people I grew up with, show love, support and forgiveness…. I felt like a cast out dog.
Besides my amazing family who supporting me during that time, I literally felt like I had no one from my school or church. Between the mean comments and judgmental looks, I was quickly convinced that I was useless to God and for the next year or so, I couldn’t go anywhere without feeling the weight of my decision. The crappiest part about it, is there are people who mess up and sin everyday but because I had a growing baby bump, I was always exposed.
Eventually my parents decided to try a new church, so we left the old and ventured off to the new. When I first walked into the new church, I was still pregnant and remember just waiting for people to look at me in judgment. To my surprise, I wasn’t judged at all and was met with smiles and even greeted by a campus pastor. During the service, they played a song called “One Thing Remains“, and I remember just breaking down. The lyrics of the song say “Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”. When I heard that, I broke down because for the first time in months, I felt love – Gods love.
For the past few months, I had been so let down and emotionally hurt by Christians that it made me doubt the goodness of God. That day in church, I chose to seek the approval of the savior and quit trying to obtain the approval of a sanctuary. That day, I was reminded that just because people will fail you, God never will.
It’s been over a decade since my kiddo was born and even though we’ve been through a lot of ups and downs, I can honestly say 100% that God is faithful. Although I had known about God my entire upbringing, it wasn’t until that dark season that I actually started to “KNOW” him. In those moments, I quickly learned that God had already prepared a detour for my life and never was he afraid of my mess. Even though people cast me out, God never did. When I was at my lowest, God met me where I was and instead of casting judgment, he lead with grace and love.
In conclusion, I want to remind everyone that this world is full of messed up people who are all on a journey. No one is perfect and instead of judging others or even treating people poorly, lets try to approach situations and conversations with love and respect. If I am going to proclaim to be a Christian, I don’t want to be like the hypocritical Christians but rather want to live a life that builds people up and exemplifies love.
Fireplace Poetry: Latest Post
FIREPLACE POETRY 
Leave a comment