When I was 18 years old, I got pregnant with my first kiddo. Instead of feeling loved and taken care of by my home church – I felt so much judgment and shame. Looking back, what made this process so much harder is the fact that I grew up hearing stories over and over about the church – stories about how the church was supposed to be a safe place for people to come to. A place for imperfect people to find healing. However, when I needed the church the most, they abandoned me, mocked me and people spoke words to me that made me feel completely worthless.
Feeling worthless was a completely new thing for me. In high-school I was captain of the cheer squad, a straight A student and the principal’s leadership award recipient. Back in those days, I never felt worthless because I was confident, determined and felt like there was nothing in this world I couldn’t do. However, fast forward 6 months and I felt like an F5 tornado hit my life and I was just laying in the rubble. If I can be completely transparent with you, there was a moment where I didn’t know if I would make it. How in the world was I supposed to raise a kid when I myself was still a kid trying to figure things out? How in the world was I supposed to provide a life for a child when I just ruined mine and let so many people down?
GOD
The reason spirituality is everything is to me, is because I know I would not be where I am today if it was not for God. He and he alone picked me up from my rubble and turned my mess into a message. He turned my mourning into dancing and everything the devil tried to do to break me, God used it for good. People told me I was a screw-up, yet God called me chosen. People told me my child was a mistake, yet God called her pre-destined. There is nothing we do that surprises God because he created us and he knows we are flawed – he knows we are human yet he still desires a relationship with us!
For the longest time, I felt like I had to have my life together. However, when I got pregnant with my daughter, I realized the only thing God wanted from me was my heart! He didn’t want a fake version of me, but he wanted the REAL Alex – the Alex who had no idea what her tomorrow looked like and the Alex who was just trying to keep her head above water.
Next month, my oldest will be turning 11 years old and I could not be more proud of the life she’s already lived and the beautiful young woman she is becoming. Yes, God has been so good to me, but he has also been so good to her. Never once did we go without food. Never once did she go without clothes. Even though I still messed up and did the wrong things at times, he never left me and consistently proved himself faithful (even when I wasn’t).
I know sometimes people have had a bad experience with church or people who call themselves Christians, but I want to encourage everyone to try again. For me, I ended up leaving my childhood church and tried a new one. When I walked in, I was welcomed with smiles and never once did I feel judged or condemned. With that being said, sometimes we have to get out of our norm so God can do something new in our lives. Once I got out of the shadow of my old life, I started to experience a life that I never thought was possible for me.
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FIREPLACE POETRY 
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